


The Heart Wants What It Wants - MakoHaru Hospital AU

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: Free!
Genre: ARDS, AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Coma, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fanfiction, Feel Alive, First Aid, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, Free! - Freeform, Free! Dive to the Future, Free! Eternal Summer, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heart Attacks, Heart-to-Heart, Holding Hands, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, IC, Inspired by Free!, Iwatobi, LGBTQ Character, Love, M/M, MakoHaru AU, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Muscular dystrophy, No Spoilers, Pain, Roommates, Sad, Sharing a Room, Sick Character, Sickfic, Swimming, Swimming Boys, Swimming Pools, Truth or Dare, alive, makoharu - Freeform, makoharu fanfiction, not canon ships, ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21561628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: Makoto has been in the hospital for his entire life. He wouldn't know any better than the daily check-ups, nurses and long and boring days.Haruka used to be a swimmer with a completely normal life until his lungs suddenly gave up on him.When the two teenagers meet each other in the hospital's IC, their hearts make them feel something they haven't felt in years.They feel alive.
Relationships: Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 24
Kudos: 107





	1. Newcomer

_Makoto Tachibana_

_Pain._

That’s what I’ve felt for the past fourteen years.

Hooked up to machines, within these four white walls, surrounded by nurses and other patients.

The nurses might be really nice. And the walls might be covered with “get well soon” cards, drawings and movie-posters. But nothing can hide the fact that it’s not home.

I’m here for a reason.

I remember when this hell started. I was only three years old when my parents started to worry about me.

They thought I was a late bloomer, when I didn’t start walking and talking at the normal age. But when I still hadn’t said my first words, or taken my first steps when I got three, I started to worry them.

Besides that I was always crying, because I felt constant pain.

They took me to the hospital. The doctors took some blood, did some tests and not much later my parents got the results. I had Muscular Dystrophy.

I don’t remember anything from that day, honestly. I was way too young to understand what was going on. I didn’t know why I suddenly didn’t stay at home and only saw my parents once a day from that day on.

I just accepted it and within no time it became normal.

For four years I had daily check-ups, physiotherapy, medications and visits from both nurses and my parents. They did everything they could, and because of them I learned to walk and talk at the age of five. I don’t remember much of learning this, but I do remember my parents’ faces when they heard my speak my first words. They looked so happy, tears streaming over my mom’s cheeks.

When I turned seven they transferred me to another hospital, which was further away, but had better medical assistance.

This made it a lot harder for my parents to visit though. Not only because the hospital was far away, but my mother also was pregnant of my twin siblings – Ren and Ran – at the time.

The following years I spend most of my time in the hospital. My parents visited once or twice a week, and when Ren and Ran got older they would visit me as well. I also started getting daily lessons of a home-teacher, because I couldn’t go to school.

I still had to take medication every day, but the check-ups became weekly instead of daily. I got moved over to another hospital ward, outside of the Intensive Care for a few months when I was eleven.

When I almost was twelve I went home for almost two years. Those two years were, I think, the best years of my entire life. I was able to spend time with other kids. Mom let me go to school, which was both weird and amazing. Most of my classmates thought of me as strange and didn’t want to talk to me at all, while others wanted to be friends immediately.

This all came to an end when I got back in the hospital three years ago.

My life got back to medication, surgeries, physiotherapy, feeding tubes, nasal cannula, nurses and the four sterile walls surrounding the hospital bed.

I sigh and look at my hands. I hate it whenever my thoughts take me back, because it makes me sad. I don’t like being sad, that’s why I taught myself to be glad for what I’ve got. I’m surrounded by the nicest nurses, I’ve got to know many other patients and most importantly I’m alive. Which not everyone can say when they’ve been in the hospital since they were three.

I look up when I hear a knock on the door.

“Come in!” I reply, my voice is still a little hoarse, because I’m not up that long.

The door slowly opens and an older woman comes in. Her gray-ish brown hair is tied back in a messy ponytail and she smiles when she sees me.

“Good morning, Kumiko,” I greet her.

Kumiko has known me from when I was seven. She basically took care of me from the day I got here and she was there for me whenever my parents couldn’t.

“Good morning? Really Makoto?” she asks as she puts down a tray with a plastic syringe, a long tube and alcohol-based hand sanitizer on my bedside table. “It’s afternoon, sleepy head.”

I shrug and feel how my cheeks turn red. “Sorry, I slept in.”

Kumiko chuckles. She crouches down next to my bed and puts the head part of the bed up.

“So, is this lunch, breakfast, meds?” I ask, while I look at the syringe. It’s filled with a goopy substance.

“See it as lunch and meds,” she jokes, we both know that it’s just one of the formulas that I have to take every day. “You missed breakfast?”

I nod. It’s not often that I sleep until lunch.

“You’ll just have to take that later today, okay?”

I nod again.

I grab the hand sanitizer and rub it onto both of my hands. “Any news?” I ask while I’m rubbing my hands against each other.

Kumiko always gives me an update on the newest hospital news, but only the happy things. Like when there are newborns, when another nurse gets married or a patient finally gets better after a long hospital stay.

“Yes,” Kumiko happily says. “You’re going to, finally, have a roommate again.”

My eyes widen.

It’s been quite a while since the stay of another patient in my room. Even though it’s not happy news when someone gets into the hospital, it’s nice to have someone to talk to.

I’ve seen many roommates come and go in the past few years.

“What? When? Who?” I have way too many questions, I know that.

Kumiko chuckles. “Calm down, Makoto. Don’t get too excited, we don’t know too much about your roommate yet. He’s quite new.”

I want to tell her I don’t care who it is, I’m just excited to have someone to talk to again. But I keep my mouth shut and wait for her to answer my questions.

“His name is Haruka Nanase, and he’s about your age.” A small smile appears on Kumiko’s face. “I think you two might get along pretty well, but I’m not sure. He seems shy, though.”

I shrug, I don’t care if someone’s shy or talkative.

“When is he coming?” I ask.

Kumiko glances at the clock. “I’m going to get him in a few minutes.” She looks back at me and gestures at the syringes. “So, you better start eating so you’re done when he gets here.”

I chuckle. “Yes, sir.” I pretend to salute, but I break into laughter when I nearly poke myself in the eye.

“Don’t you dare give me an attitude, young man!” Kumiko laughs as she slowly makes her way to the door. “I got to go now, enjoy your meal.”

I snicker, it’s not like I ever enjoy squeezing the formulas into my stomach through the feeding tube, but she makes sure to tell me to enjoy it anyway.

The door closes softly; it never closes with a _bang_ because it might wake up other patients.

I glance at the syringe. I throw the sheets off myself and pull up my shirt. The feeding tube appears.

I’ve always thought it looks creepy, but I need it.

I attach the longer tube and the syringe and start squeezing in the formula. I have to do it slowly, otherwise it might hurt. And I also shouldn’t get distracted, because I might do something wrong.

Normally I wouldn’t get distracted, but now I do. I can’t help but look up when I hear the door opening.

Kumiko wheels a boy inside. The boy – Haruka, as Kumiko told me – sits in the wheelchair, bend over and looking at his lap. His skin is a gray-ish pale and he looks really tired.

I wonder if he just got surgery, or that he’s got such a critical disease. Of course he’s seriously sick, otherwise he wouldn’t be here. But Haruka looks extreme weak.

I clench the syringe in my right hand as I watch how Kumiko lifts Haruka from the wheelchair into his bed. He immediately gets hooked up to the heart monitor and ventilator.

Kumiko crouches down next to his bed and says something. After that she steps aside, turns around to me and points. “That’s Makoto.” Kumiko sighs when she looks at me. “Who’s apparently still busy with his feeding tube. Makoto, what’s this about?”

I look from Kumiko to my feeding tube, to the syringe in my hand and back to Kumiko. “I got distracted, I’m so sorry.”

Haruka looks at me. At first he looks confused, but then a ghost of a smile appears on his face. I feel how I start to blush. What a way to introduce myself to someone, while feeding myself though my disgusting looking feeding tube.

I chuckle and say, “Hey, I’m Makoto Tachibana. Nice to meet you.”

Haruka glances at Kumiko and looks back to me after a few seconds of silence. “I’m Haru.”

Kumiko gets up and looks at both of us. “Well, I hope you two will get along.” She turns to me and gestures at the syringe. “Now finish eating and cover up yourself, Makoto.” She’s joking, but she also isn’t. I have to finish feeding myself, that’s true. And it’s quite strange to have your shirt up when introducing yourself to your new roommate.

I blush and nod quickly.

After that I finish feeding and cleaning the tube. I detach the syringe and lay it back down on the tray. Of course I pull my shirt down afterwards and pull the sheets back up until I’m covered up to my shoulders.

I turn around to see Haruka staring at me, still slightly confused. He opens his mouth and asks, “What were you doing?”

“W-what? Ehm, do you mean with the syringe?” I stammer. Haru nods. “Well, I have Muscular Dystrophy. So my muscles have weakened pretty badly, which makes it hard to swallow,” I explain. “The feeding tube makes sure I get the nutrition I need, without having to worry about choking.”

Haruka still doesn’t seem to understand what on earth I’m talking about, but he nods anyway.

“So, why are you here?”

Haruka stares at me, a blank look on his face.

I fold my hand in front of my mouth when I realize that I did it again. I asked _the question_ too soon, again!

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“I think they said I have something called ARDS,” Haruka mumbles. “I don’t know. I suddenly couldn’t breathe while I was swimming.”

_ARDS_ , I think. _I’ve heard of that. Some kind of infection of the lungs._

“Wow,” I mumble. “I’m sorry for you.”

Haruka shrugs and glances away.

I’m already afraid that I’m going to fast on the personal information. It just became normal to me, people ask “why are you here” all the time. I sometimes forget that it’s not normal to the people who just got here.

I stare at my hands, they’re shaking.

_So, I was nervous for getting a new roommate after all._


	2. Homey

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

My first thought on Makoto was _“He seems… strange”_ but now I’m not sure. I think he’s both a little too social and awkward or he just spends too much time in the hospital. Or maybe both.

He’s blushing the entire time when we’re eating dinner in the evening, but maybe that’s because he has to do that with his shirt up. Or maybe he’s just ashamed of his plaid pajamas.

I catch myself staring at him. Somehow I can’t help it, the difference between Makoto and other people I know is really big. It’s impressive even.

“What?” he asks when he sees that I’m looking at him. “Am I spilling water again?”

He immediately starts blushing again.

“No,” I say and I look away.

I honestly think I’m looking at him while eating because I don’t feel like looking at the hospital food. It’s somewhat tasty, but it looks terrible.

“How long do you think you’ll have to stay in the hospital?” Makoto asks after a long silence.

I shrug.

All I can think of is leaving. I want to go back to my normal life, I want to go back to swimming.

I don’t want those white walls and nurses to remind me of the cold water running into my lungs. I don’t want to remember the pain in my chest followed by the water pulling me down.

“Haven’t the doctors talked everything over with you,” Makoto asks. “Or with your parents.”

I snicker. What a joke; my parents probably don’t even know that I’m in the hospital.

“No, they haven’t,” I say and I look down at my lap, pushing away the plate of food.

“Really? Normally they do,” Makoto continues. “At least they did with me.”

Actually that was a lie, the doctors have talked everything over with me, but I wasn’t paying attention. I remember some small things about my lung function and I heard them saying ARDS, but I don’t know what it means. Something with my lungs, I guess.

“How long have you been here?” I ask, moving away from talking about me.

Makoto stares at me for a while and then asks, “In _this_ hospital?”

I nod.

“Since I was seven, I think. I’ve been home for two years though.”

I glance at Makoto, somehow he doesn’t seem even a bit sad that he’s been stuck in this hospital since he was seven.

He looks at me and smiles. “You look shocked,” he says with a chuckle. “It’s really not as bad as you think, I couldn’t think of life in another way. I’ve been taken care of by nurses from the moment that I turned three.” He looks at his lap. “They’re really nice if you’re nice to them as well. There are many easy ways not to make your life feel miserable when being in a hospital.”

His bright green eyes look back at me and his smile is wide.

_Not feel miserable?_

“How?” I ask, but before Makoto can answer there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Makoto immediately answers and the door swings open. Two young children run into the room followed by a grown up woman.

“Makoto!” the little boy and girl cheer while they run to the side of Makoto’s bed.

When I look at Makoto, I see a wide smile on his face.

“Ren! Ran!” he happily says.

The woman slowly walks in after the two children. She bows over Makoto and carefully hugs him. “How are you doing today, Makoto?”

Makoto glances at me and smiles. “I got a new roommate, mom.”

_Mom? Is this woman Makoto’s mom?_

I glance away when Makoto’s mother turns around and smiles at me.

_Then those kids must be Makoto’s siblings._

“Good day, I’m Makoto’s mother,” Makoto mom says and she walks towards my bed. “And you are?”

“Haru.” I don’t know why Makoto’s mom is treating me like some kid.

“Is Makoto a little nice to you?” she asks, she has the same bright smile as Makoto.

I nod. “Yes.”

“I’m glad to hear.” Makoto’s mom turns back to Makoto and takes a seat in between both of our beds. Even though she acts really happy for the entire time she’s here, I can’t help but notice that she’s not as cheerful as she acts. It must be hard to have a chronic ill child, and two other kids to take care of as well.

While Makoto’s talking with his mom, Makoto’s siblings – Ren and Ran – come to the side of my bed after a while.

“Hi,” the boy says, followed by the girl greeting me too.

“Hi,” I answer.

Makoto’s siblings are still quite young. I think they’re about nine or ten years old, maybe a little younger. They sure seem to be more cheerful as Makoto’s mom, but I can only think of how hard this all is for Makoto’s family.

The two kids stare at me for quite some time, but they don’t say anything else. They have to leave when their mother calls them. “Ren, Ran, say bye to your brother,” she says. “I have to make dinner before dad comes home, remember?”

The kids nod and run to Makoto’s bed. They both jump onto the bed and Makoto grimaces.

“Careful!” Makoto’s mom shrieks.

Makoto hugs Ren and Ran before they can get off the bed and tells his mom, “It’s okay, mom.” After that he looks at his siblings. “Say hi to dad for me, can you do that?”

Ren and Ran nod.

Makoto waves at them as they leave, but when the door closes his face saddens for a moment.

He stares at the door for quite a while, I wonder what he’s thinking about.

“Are…” I clear my throat. “Are you okay?”

Makoto turns his head to me and after a while he nods. “Yes.” He pauses to let out a sigh. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

Just as he says that, the door opens again and a nurse – Kumiko, I believe – walks into the room. “Bedtime, boys.”

She walks towards me and shows me a mask. She connects it to the ventilator. “It’s better if you sleep with a mask instead of the nasal cannula,” she tells me, followed by a whole explanation of how I can put on the mask myself.

When I look next to me, I see Makoto putting on a mask as well. I wonder if he has trouble breathing as well.

Kumiko helps me putting on the mask. At first it’s strange, it’s a different kind of breathing than normally. I burst into a coughing fit at first, but after a few seconds I’m breathing quite well.

The curtains get closed, making the room a lot darker. It takes a few seconds before my eyes are used to the darkness.

Kumiko slowly walks to the door and asks, “Both ready for the night?”

I nod, and when I look next to me I see Makoto’s sticking his thumb in the air.

“Good night,” Kumiko says before leaving the room.

Makoto smiles at me before pulling his blanket up to his chin and turning away from me. I do the same and before I know it I’m slowly falling asleep.


	3. Truth or Truth

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

I never thought the nights at a hospital would be this hard to get through. At first the noises of the heart monitors and the ventilators keep you awake, but that wasn’t even the worst.

Not only did I hear yelling of people in the hallways and other rooms, Makoto woke up shrieking every once in a while. He would scream in pain and sit up right immediately, pulling the mask away from his mouth.

The first time I was worried something was really going wrong and I pushed the “call” button on the side of my bed. One of the nurses ran into the room, immediately noticing that I didn’t call her for myself.

Makoto was hanging forward weakly, crying and screaming. The nurse kept talking to him calmly, until Makoto finally fell asleep again.

She told me that this happened once or twice almost every night. Apparently Makoto’s muscle aches are even worse at night.

The nurse was right, this night Makoto woke up shrieking at least two more times. I woke up as well, every time. It was terrifying, because he would keep crying and yelling for quite long. Sometimes until a nurse arrived to calm him down, sometimes he just kept crying from pain for at least fifteen minutes.

Every time I woke up, it took me at least an hour to fall asleep again. The noises and the thought of waking up to Makoto yelling again, kept me wide awake for the last two hours of the night.

We both got “woken up” by Kumiko at nine, because apparently Makoto slept in the day before and missed his breakfast. Kumiko made sure to get the both of us breakfast and left us alone again.

“I’m sorry for waking you up this night,” Makoto says when he’s done with feeding himself.

I shrug. “I didn’t sleep anyway.” That’s a lie, but I don’t want Makoto to already feel bad about waking me up. He doesn’t seem like the person who takes anything lightly on himself.

“Really?” he asks and he looks at me. “How come?”

I take a bite of my breakfast and shrug. “It’s just strange to not be at home.”

I look down at my lap and sigh. The sigh changes into a cough when the dry air moves down my throat. My chest immediately hurts when I feel it contracting.

The high-pitched squeak coming out of my mouth startles Makoto and he immediately feels the need to ask, “Are you all right?”

I nod, coughing two times more.

“Are you sure?” he asks again.

He’s in the right to worry about me, but he shouldn’t. Maybe he’s right though. My lungs burn in my chest and my throat feels like sandpaper with every cough. I might be slightly lying when I say I’m totally fine, but he’s got too much to worry about already.

That’s why I nod again. “I’m fine.”

We’re both silent, so I decide to ask what I wanted to ask throughout the entire night.

“Are you alright?” I ask and I glance at Makoto. “I mean, you really sounded like you were in a lot of pain this night.”

Makoto’s green eyes stare at my and his mouth slowly opens. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, but I can see that he’s lying. I decide not to ask more from him though, if he wants me to know what he’s feeling he would tell me.

A silence creates an awkward mood in the room. Both Makoto and I look away and I eat the rest of my breakfast quietly.

It’s all so strange; not having to make my own food, not going to school, not swimming or bathing in the afternoon, not sleeping in my own bed, on my own. It’s strange to not be lonely all the time.

I take a deep breath as I realize the double feeling of being here. From one side I’m really sad for being here, mad at myself for feeling like I’ve overdone on swimming. But on the other side it’s nice to not be lonely. Even though Makoto is an awkward boy, he’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I don’t even remember my parents being this sweet to me.

I close my eyes and feel how my chest contracts. My breath falters and a high-pitched cough releases itself from my throat.

I burst into a coughing fit, leaning over as I try to stop the coughing.

I hear Makoto yelling my name, followed by the door opening. Kumiko runs in. She seems panicked at first, but somehow she knows how to stay calm.

I wheeze as I try to get the dry air to pass through to my lungs, but I don’t feel my chest going up and down.

Kumiko removes the nasal cannula from my nose and holds the night-mask in front of my mouth. She also tells me to breath slowly and calmly. I do as she asks and feel how the cold air moves past my throat.

It feels nice, the air entering my lungs like it always used to do before I got here. I breathe slowly and let myself fall onto my pillow again.

“Is everything alright again, Haruka?” Kumiko asks as she slowly takes away the night-mask.

I nod, putting the nasal cannula back into my nose like Kumiko taught me to do.

“Okay.” She takes a deep breath. “Next time, try to grab the mask if you’re able to, otherwise push the red _call_ button, okay?”

I nod again.

Then Kumiko turns to Makoto and says, “Thank you for calling me over, Makoto. If he can’t reach the _call_ button you can do it for him, yes?”

Makoto nods and glances at me. There’s a slight smile on his face when his eyes meet mine. I don’t know what he’s smiling about, but it’s nice to see his smile no matter what’s going on.

Somehow it’s strangely calming.

. . .

It’s a few hours later and I haven’t experienced any painful coughing fits anymore. I’m glad about that.

Makoto looks up from his book. He’s been reading something for the past hour, but I have no idea what. The letters are too tiny for me to read.

His green eyes meet mine and he closes the book after putting a bookmark into it. “You seem bored,” he brings up after putting down his book.

I shrug.

He’s right, I’m really bored. Normally I would be swimming right now, or I would be at school. But right now, I’m stuck in this bed not able to do much else than look at boring TV shows and watching how Makoto reads one page after another.

Makoto looks at his lap and a large grin appears on his face. “I know a game we could play,” he says and he glances at me. “My siblings like to play it, so it’s not hard.”

I look at him, frowning while I try to imagine a game he’d want to do. “What is it?”

“It’s kind of like _Truth or Dare_ , but since we’re in a hospital we can’t do dares, right?” I nod. Makoto continues, “So, there’s only truth, and both of us have to answer the question.”

I feel like laughing. This sounds genuinely stupid, but quite fun at the same time. I never have had friends to play _Truth or Dare_ with, so maybe this’ll be close enough.

I nod. “Okay.”

Makoto cheerfully smiles at me and says, “Okay, you can begin.” He looks at me for a while, but I don’t really know what question to ask. “Ask me a question.”

I think of something to ask him, but I don’t want to ask anything about why we’re here; we should at least try to keep it fun.

“Ehm…” I mumble. “What were you reading?”

Makoto chuckles. “That’s not a question we can both answer to, but okay. I was reading _Hamlet_ from Shakespeare.”

I nod.

I have heard of that book, I think during literature class. It’s weird, because it didn’t especially sound like a fun book to read to me, but maybe it’s fun after all.

“Okay, now it’s my turn… ehm,” Makoto stammers. “Who did you grow up with?”

I glance away, that wasn’t really the question I was hoping for.

“My mother and father,” I answer. “No siblings.”

Makoto’s mouth opens and he glances away. “I don’t know if I can ask this, but why haven’t your parents visited, yet?”

I shrug. “My mother had to move away for my dad’s work, I’ve lived on my own from then.” _They probably don’t even know I’m hospitalized…_ I want to add, but I decide not to.

“Really? I’m so sorry for you,” he says. I don’t really get why he’s saying that, because my parents are alive. They’re just not as close with me as Makoto’s parents are with him.

“It’s okay,” I reply. “I got the stray cats.”

Makoto awkwardly chuckles.

“What about you?” I ask, referring to the question Makoto asked.

Makoto smiles. “I grew up with my mother and father alone until Ren and Ran were born,” he explains. “You might also say I kind of grew up with most of the nurses, especially Kumiko. I’ve known her since I was seven, so.”

I nod.

I now get why Kumiko and Makoto are so friendly to each other; they’ve known each other for so long. She’s probably like a second mother for Makoto.

“Okay, your turn,” Makoto asks.

There’s so much to ask him. Like, his biggest fear, favorite childhood memory and much more. But I don’t know which one to ask.

I shrug. “Can’t you ask the questions?”

Makoto snickers and his cheeks turn red. “That’s actually not how it works, but okay.”

I mouth “thank you” but he doesn’t see it, he’s lost in thought.

“Okay, yes! Do you have a nickname? And what is it?” Makoto asks.

I never really thought about nicknames. I just know that I don’t like my own, girly name. I never did, so when my parents still lived in the same house as me, they used to call me… “Haru,” I say.

It became more like my name, because I thought Haru sounded better than Haruka.

Makoto nods and says, “Yes, isn’t that also how you introduced yourself?”

I nod. Not like I really remember, I was so tired back then.

“I like it, Haru.” Makoto smiles at me and I glance away.

“And your nickname?” I change the subject from me to Makoto.

Makoto thinks for quite some time. “Ren and Ran sometimes call me Mako, does that count?”

I nod.

“Next question,” Makoto says after thinking for a while. “What makes you laugh the most?”

I stare at Makoto.

Of all questions, he asks this one. The one question I don’t know how to answer to… so I turn away from him.

I reach for the mask and mumble, “I’m tired.”


	4. Tour

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

I went to bed too after Haruka’s abrupt ending of the game, yesterday. But going to bed doesn’t mean I’ve actually slept last night.

Firstly I was worried about the question I asked. _Did I do something wrong?_ I don’t get why he didn’t answer.

And I when I finally got tired and started falling asleep, Haruka started coughing. In the beginning of the night it was just small coughs, one at the time. But later in the night he started having such bad coughing fits, the night-nurse had to come help him a few times.

When Haruka wasn’t coughing, the pain was killing me. It felt like all my muscles were getting squished, twisted and turned.

Eventually, it became light outside and I’ve never been happier that it got morning.

Kumiko walks inside and wakes up Haruka. Normally she’d wake me up too, but I’m already sitting upright in bed. I’m ready for feeding myself.

Immediately when Kumiko gives me the syringe, I begin feeding myself.

When Haruka’s awake too, Kumiko suggests I give Haruka a tour through the hospital. He’ll have to get to know his way around the hospital someday. “Why don’t you show him?” she asks me.

I nod. “Yeah, okay,” I say and I turn to Haruka. “If that’s okay with you, Haruka?”

Haruka nods, while he rubs the sleep from his eyes.

“Why don’t you both eat your breakfast and start after that,” Kumiko suggests. “Makoto, you can teach Haruka how to easily attach his cannula to an oxygen tank, right?”

I nod, I’ve done it many times when I wasn’t doing great. I’ve been on the ventilator for three days myself and I’ve breathed borrowed air for surtain moments of my life.

“I can do that,” I answer. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself for having such weird skills like knowing how to feed with a feeding tube, knowing how to attach a nasal cannula to an oxygen tank and knowing by heart what’s in the formulas I take. I could basically become a nurse by the age of seven.

“Thank you, Makoto,” Kumiko says. She’s probably got something to do, that’s why she’s glad I’m able to help Haruka. “I’ve got to go now, so have fun, boys.”

She turns around and the door closes, as softly as always.

. . .

It takes Haruka quite some time to finish his breakfast, but by the time he does I’ve already put on my ankle braces. I grab my crutches, which are always lying under my bed, but I haven’t used them in quite a while.

I turn to Haruka and push myself onto my feet. At first my legs shake a lot, but I’m able to limp to Haruka’s bed.

Haruka’s already sitting on the side of his bed, waiting for me to explain how the oxygen tank works.

I fall down on his bed and sit up right. I lean forward to grab the oxygen tank off of the ground. It’s heavy, not because of the air in it, but the tank itself is really heavy. I feel my back’s barely holding the weight, but I’m able to get it on my lap in time.

There’s not much left to do, Kumiko already adjusted everything to what Haruka needs. All there’s left to do is slide on the end of the cannula.

“So, all you do is put on this end of the cannula…” I hold up the joint tip of the cannula and show it to Haruka. “… onto this.” I slide it onto an exit point of the oxygen tank. “When it’s already turned on, on the right setting, you can just put it on like you’d normally do.”

I hand over the cannula to Haruka and he slides it into his nose, the threats going over his ears. I stare at him as he breathes in the bottled air. He closes his eyes while breathing in and his cheeks turn slightly pink when he opens his eyes and stares in mine.

“So, uhm… lets go, I guess,” I stammer and I turn my head away.

Haruka nods.

I attach the oxygen tank onto a tank holder, so we can start walking.

While Haruka gets up without any problems, I have to use a lot of force to get up. After that limping to the door, followed by Haruka.

“I’m sorry, I’m so slow,” I say while we walk through the hallway.

When I look at Haruka, I see he’s shrugging. I chuckle; he always does that, he either nods, shrugs or shakes his head. It’s impressive how he shows exactly how he feels without saying too much.

We wander through the IC’s hallway, and through the Emergency Department. I don’t like to walk through the ED, because there are mostly emergency rooms and of course everyone’s always stressed.

“This is the emergency part of the hospital,” I tell Haruka, while I lower my head and shut out the noises of people yelling inside of the ER’s. “I don’t like this zone.”

I notice I want to walk faster than I’m able to. Haruka looks at me, he easily keeps up with me even though I’m speeding up.

“Why do you not like it?” Haruka asks.

I shrug. I thought no one liked the red zone, it’s so gloomy and everyone’s stressed out. The sad walls look even sadder as soon as you walk through the doors, into this hallway.

“I’ve been here one too many time,” I admit. That’s probably one of the reasons why I don’t like it. It reminds me of getting brought here on a stretcher. Everyone would be yelling, and if my parents were close they’d be crying. I can still clearly see their stained faces when they carried me from the ambulance to here.

I shake my head, I shouldn’t think about the bad times I’ve had at the hospital. I have got so many good memories too. Like, back when I was ten, when I decided it would be a good idea to sneak into another hallway where they stalled the candy-cart. I stole some candy and I hid it in my room. When Kumiko found out she had to laugh so hard, even though she wasn’t pleased with me. This was the first and last time that I broke the rules, because Kumiko found out because I felt bad about it, so I told her what I did.

I chuckle as I remember her laugh when I told her.

_Jeez, I crave a candy._ I think when I realize for how long I haven’t had anything sweet… or anything to eat at all.

“What?” Haruka asks.

I only now realize that I sunk off into my memories so badly that I stopped walking. “I-I just had a flashback, I’m sorry,” I say and I continue walking.

Haruka holds open the glass doors that lead to the part of the hospital that I know by heart. This is one of the places I used to hang out a lot. There’s the atrium in the middle of this zone and everything’s a lot calmer around here. That’s because it’s basically the zone where there are people who come for check-ups, picking up meds or have minor injuries that don’t need emergence caring. There’s also a lounge for the pregnant ladies and such requirements.

There are children between twelve and sixteen in the atrium most times, because it has couches and a television. It’s a great place to hang out when you’re getting bored of your hospital room in your own ward.

I know this, because in the years that I was doing better. This meant I didn’t have to stay in the IC for some time and had to spent most of my days in the children’s ward. I met some other children of my age there, I used to play with them in the children’s ward until the day came that I was allowed to go home.

When I got back after two years, I had to be in the IC again. Other than that I was getting too old to play with the kids in the children’s ward. I’d spent most of my days down here, in the atrium. I met other kids my age and we’d chat or watch television.

“So, what is this?” Haruka asks.

“This is the atrium,” I say and I glance at the two teenagers sitting on the couch. One of them is lying with their head on the other’s lap while they’re staring at the television. “I used spent quite some time down here, it’s a nice and calm place.”

There are lots of plants surrounding the large open space with colorful couches. I’ve always loved how everyone tries to make a hospital as cheerful-looking as possible.

Haruka nods. “There’s a fish tank.” He gestures at the large fish tank surrounded by a few couches.

I chuckle. “Yes, the fishes are beautiful aren’t they?” I stare at the small fishes swimming through the fish tank. I wonder if it reminds Haruka of swimming himself. He probably misses it.

Haruka turns away and clears his throat. “Let’s continue.” His voice sounds blunter than it did before. He starts walking in a random direction and I have to be fast to catch up to him.

“Wait, let’s go this way,” I say, gesturing at the elevators instead of the stairs Haruka is walking towards. “I can’t climb stairs.”

It’s no joke, I’ve never learned how to walk stairs, because my muscles were too weak for that ever since the beginning.

Haruka listens to me without protesting and we take the elevator to the second floor. The second floor’s a place I’ve seen many times in the past years.

The walls are all kinds of pastel shades instead of white, making the hallways look less gloomy. That’s because most people who set feet in these hallways are nervous… very nervous.

This is where they perform all kinds of surgeries, so there are many ORs in these hallways. Every door has a little card hanging from the door handle. On the card’s the name of the patient, the surgery they’re undergoing, the doctors who are performing it and how long it’ll be taking.

My name’s been on those cards many times and I hope it won’t be on one anymore. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been under anesthetics for a surgery. But even though I don’t remember the amount I remember going to sleep and waking up from every single one.

“So, here they perform surgeries,” I tell Haruka and I swallow away the lump in my throat. I get nervous every time I get in these hallways. It reminds me of the pain I felt afterwards.

I glance at Haruka, he’s walking through the hallway, head bend down.

“Maybe this isn’t the greatest place to be,” I say after a short stroll. “At the end of the hallway there’s the physiotherapy department, do you still want to go there?”

Haruka looks at me and shakes it head. “I’m tired,” he says and it’s only now that I notice the large circles under his eyes. He didn’t sleep a lot last night, neither did I, so I’m glad he wants to go back.

“Okay, let’s go back to our room then.”

We take the elevator back downstairs and we wander back to our room. It’s been a long walk and I can feel it in my legs. My muscles feel twisted, turned and burned to ashes. But even though they hurt a lot, they’ve been much more painful from time to time.

Haruka flops onto his bed as soon as we walk into the room. Honestly I can’t wait to do the same, but first I feel like I should help him get comfortable.

Before I even get the change to help Haruka with his nasal cannula, the door opens and Kumiko appears in the doorway. She’s clenching a file in her hands and there’s a serious frown on her face.

She’s looking at neither of us when she asks, “Makoto, could you get in your bed, please?” Her voice is trembling. I know something’s not good. “I need to talk to Haruka for a second.”


	5. Trach Patient

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

“I need to talk to Haruka for a second.”

I turn around and stare at Kumiko. She looks terrified, like she did when she explained to me what exactly happened in the swimming pool.

I nod. It’s clear that something’s not right… but what?

Makoto slowly shambles to his bed and he frightened glances at me before Kumiko closes the curtains in between our beds.

Kumiko takes a seat on the chair, which has been standing next to my bed the entire time. Her hands shake as she squeezes the file in between her fingers.

“So, Haruka,” she begins. “I’ve got some, not so great, news.”

I look down at my lap and make myself ready to hear everything I don’t want to hear.

“To begin, we can’t seem to make contact with your parents. This is why I have to talk all of this over with you instead of with your parents, like I would normally do.”

I nod, that is no surprise. My father never picks up his phone, and I doubt my mother even has one to start with.

I look at Kumiko. It’s clear that she’s not used to talking medical details over with a child, I get that.

Her mouth opens, closes again and she clears her throat while she stares at the file. “So, ehm, we’re afraid that the ventilator is causing your lungs to feel even more tight. I noticed you coughing a lot, which is because of the ventilator.” She takes a pause and looks up at me. Her brown eyes look sad, I wonder how many times Makoto’s seen her like this. “We don’t want the ventilator causing you to get a collapsed lung or Pneumonia. That’s why we, unfortunately, have to insert a Tracheotomy tube.”

I stare at her. I have no idea what she’s talking about, because I’ve never heard of anything like a Tracheotomy. “W-what’s that?”

“A Tracheotomy tube is a tube inserted into your windpipe through a cut it your neck.”

I feel my chest contracting and I suddenly feel really anxious. Kumiko’s basically telling me they’re going to cut open my neck and shove in a tube, that doesn’t sound like a normal thing to do.

“It’s going to help you breathe more easily, but like most medical procedures it comes with some disadvantages,” she explains. “Firstly, we’ll have to perform surgery and you’ll have to go under anesthetics.”

I knew this was coming. I’ve known from the moment that I got here that I’d have to go in for a surgery. I feel all the color depart from my face.

“Then there’s some complications that could occur, but I won’t go in detail about, I don’t want to scare you.” Kumiko looks at me and she lays her hand on my shoulder. “But there’s one thing I need to tell you before we’ll do this.”

I close my eyes. I don’t want to hear this, if I need to do all of this anyway I don’t want to know all the creepy and bad things before going into surgery.

“After inserting the Tracheotomy tube, it’ll take some time for you to talk again,” she tells me and I hear that her voice is shaking. “And it’ll probably get harder to talk too, since the air you’re breathing won’t be going through your voice box anymore.”

I breathe in… and out… and I feel how tight my chest feels. I don’t want to not be able to talk for the rest of my life.

“But _will_ I be able to talk again?” I want to have the insurance that I will, life is hard enough as it is.

Kumiko nods. “I’ll make sure to get you a speaking valve to make it all easier.”

I nod and thank her.

“Of course, after all, I have to ask for your permission for us to perform the surgery,” Kumiko says. “It’s an important surgery, but if you really can’t make yourself to agreeing, we have no rights to perform it.”

I shake my head. “You may perform it if you must.” Even though how badly I want to say no to this, I have to say yes. If I don’t I might die from some other lung condition and that’s the last thing I want.

Kumiko lets out a relieved sigh. “Okay,” she whispers. “We’ll do it in the morning. It’s better if you try to get some rest for now, okay?”

I nod, but I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.

Kumiko nods as well, she steps backwards and moves away the curtain. Makoto appears and I see that he’s staring at me. His eyes are filled with fear. He clearly overheard the conversation.

When his eyes meet mine, Makoto smiles forced and turn away.


	6. Nervous

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

****

From now on everything will only get harder for Haruka. He’s gotten into the surgery part of being in the hospital and I recall after falling into that hole it’ll get harder and harder.

Haruka knows this, I saw it in his eyes. But just like everyone else, he has no choice. He didn’t chose to be here… he didn’t want to agree to such a mayor surgery, but like all of us, he had to.

I’m lying on my side, my eyes squeezed closes. It’s evening already, and Haruka’s been staring at the wall ever since we got back from our walk.

I feel how my CPAP-mask squishes my face as I turn onto my back. I stare at the ceiling while I try to shut out all of the noises in this hospital room.

Haruka must be terrified, he didn’t seem to have had a surgery before. I remember my first surgery. I was only six back then and they had to already perform a mayor surgery. It took me up to six months to fully recover from the Tenotomy surgery. And I was terrified in the hours leading up to the surgery.

Lucky for me my parents were there to comfort me. I still remember how my mom’s hand was shaking when she stroked my head to keep me from crying. And I recall dad telling me that it’d only hurt a little bit and everything would get better after that.

I had them both at my side at that time, and with every following surgery.

But Haruka… he’s all alone. I can’t imagine how afraid he’s right now.

I turn to him to see him sitting up right against the wall. He has his nasal cannula in instead of his mask, which means he’s probably not planning on sleeping.

It’s clear, he’s just as nervous as I’ve been for my first few surgeries.

I take off my CPAP-mask and whisper, “You’re still awake, Haruka?”

Haruka turns his head to me and nods. “I’m sorry if I woke you up,” Haruka says and his voice makes a high-pitched squeak and the end of the sentence. He coughs trice afterwards and leans back against the wall.

“No, you didn’t,” I say. “I was awake.”

Haruka nods again.

“Sorry, but I overheard your conversation with Kumiko,” I admit after a while.

Haruka looks at me and nods. “I know.” Haruka turns his head away again. “You don’t have to apologize, I didn’t expect you not to hear it.”

I look at my lap and notice how my hands are shaking. I’m not the one who’s supposed to be nervous here.

We both go quiet and I feel like Haruka doesn’t want to talk to me. So I keep my mouth shut.

“Hey, Makoto,” Haruka mumbles after a long silence.

I look up and turn my head to Haruka. He’s looking at his lap and I can hear he’s breathing heavily.

“Yes?” I reply.

Haruka’s mouth opens and a high-pitched cough comes out. “I’m nervous, Makoto.” His voice is trembling and when he looks at me I see tears in his eyes. The little glittering balls of water might be standing in his eyes, but Haruka doesn’t let them run.

I throw the blanket of myself and sit up right on the side of my bed. It takes a lot of effort when I stand on my feet and try to walk to Haruka’s bed.

“W-what are you doing?” Haruka asks, I don’t think I’ve heard him this confused before.

I limp towards him, basically throwing myself from my bed to the side of his. Even though I fall in the process, slamming my ell bow against Haruka’s nightstand, it’s all worth it in the end. When I look and Haruka and stick out my hand, telling him “It’ll be alright.”

Haruka blinks twice before grabbing my hand and helping me onto the edge of his bed. I smile at him as soon as I sit down.

“It’s going to be fine, Haruka,” I say. His hand slightly squishes mine. “Look, I’ve had surgeries and it’s really not as creepy as it seems at first.”

Haruka looks at my hand holding his and he takes deep breath. His breath falters. “Can you stay with me… I mean, during the operation?”

I glance away. I don’t know what to answer to this, I can’t tell for sure that Kumiko would let me go into the OR with Haruka. Normally only family’s allowed to go in until the patient is under anesthetic.

I swallow away the lump in my throat and I nod. “I’ll stay with you.”

_I’ll make it work somehow._

Haruka nods and thanks me under his breath. He awkwardly leans with his head against my shoulder. “Thank you,” he repeats as his suddenly seems get really tired. I get it, it’s late already, but I promised to stay with him.

So, I’ll sit here. And I’ll hold his hand, throughout the night.

Until the rising sun wakes us in the morning again.


	7. Surgery

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

I wake up with my head leaning against Makoto’s moving chest. He’s sitting up right, but he’s sleeping, I’m sure of it.

“Makoto?” I whisper, wondering why again he’s on the edge of my bed. It’s then that I realize what’s going to happen today. I don’t have long to think of it before Kumiko opens the door and Makoto gets startled.

He almost throws himself off the edge of my bed, still confused over why he was here in the first place.

Kumiko sounds confused to when she asks, “Makoto? What were you doing out of your bed so early?”

Makoto awkwardly chuckles. “Well… that’s a long story.”

“I’m afraid you must save it for another time,” she says with a short laugh and then she turns to me. “Haruka, we’ve got everything ready for your surgery.” She closes her mouth, smiles and walks towards me. “Are you ready?”

I want to shake my head, because I’m not ready at all, but I nod anyway. That’s when Makoto jumps in and says, “Kumiko, about that?” Kumiko’s eyes shoot at him. “Can I stay with Haruka until he’s under?”

I look at Kumiko and she’s hesitating for sure. Even though I hope she’ll say yes. It’s not like my parents are here to be there when I leave the entire reality for a few hours.

“Makoto, I don’t know,” Kumiko mumbles and she shakes her head. “Only family is allowed in the OR and you know that.”

Makoto looks at me, back at Kumiko and opens his mouth. “Kumiko, please. I can’t let him go in there himself, this is his very first surgery and just like everyone he’s terrified.” Makoto’s voice breaks as he pleads Kumiko.

Kumiko sighs and looks at me. “Would you find it comforting if Makoto would be with you?”

I nod. There’s no doubt about it, I want Makoto to be there with me.

“Okay then,” Kumiko says. “But, Makoto, you’ll have to wheel there yourself, okay?”

Makoto nods and immediately wants to jump up from the edge of my bed. I almost snicker when Makoto almost directly falls to the ground and Kumiko shrieks a worried “Look out!”.

Makoto chuckles awkwardly and pulls himself up on my bed. “I’m okay,” Makoto assures us right away. “But could you roll my wheelchair over here?”

Kumiko nods and gets Makoto’s wheelchair closer. It’s a big wheelchair and I wonder how he gets it forward. But when he follows us through the hallway – Kumiko pushing my bed – Makoto seems to handle pushing forward his wheelchair pretty good. He didn’t even bump into anything, not even once.

Eventually we end up moving through the hallway filled with doors to ORs. I’ve never been this nervous, and it gets even more when the door to one of the rooms opens and I have to get onto some kind of surgery table.

The metal of the table is cold, I feel it through my clothes. I feel how my breath falters while I look at Makoto sitting next to the table. His bright green eyes staring at me and his lips whispering comforting words.

Kumiko explains how it’ll work, before putting the mask for the anesthetics. She tells me to count to ten and while I do what she asks I stare in Makoto’s eyes.

“One.”

Makoto smiles and I feel his hand grabbing mine. I look at it and wonder how it’d be to hold his hand forever and ever.

“Two. Three. Four.”

My vision starts going blurry, but somehow I don’t want to let go of reality.

“Five.”

I don’t get why I’m still counting up, I know it’ll send me away from everything for hours.

“Six. Seven.”

And when I wake up there won’t be an assurance that I will have to ability to count from one to ten out loud, ever again.

“Eight.”

I might not be able to tell Makoto how glad I am that he’s with me in this hard time of life. I might not have the change to tell him how I feel, when I wake up.

“Nine.”

_If_ I wake up. I swallow and feel my head getting foggy.

I don’t want to leave. If I won’t wake up, I’ll hurt my parents, the stray cats and the swim team.

But worst of all.

I’ll hurt Makoto.

I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to hurt my first friend ever.

I want to yell “I don’t want to go”, because what if I won’t wake up. But even though I try my hardest, nothing except air is leaving my mouth.

So, this is what it feels like not to be able to talk.

“Ten.”


	8. Breathe

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

****

It’s been two hours since Haruka left for his surgery. Kumiko came into our room half an hour ago to assure me everything went right.

Now, I’m waiting for Haruka to wake up. As soon as he wakes up, they’ll bring him back into our room. I can’t wait to see him, I want to see with my own eyes that he’s okay.

I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, when the door opens.

Kumiko appears in the doorway, holding a finger in front of her mouth. “He’s still barely awake,” she mouths.

She opens the door completely and rolls a bed into the room. In the bed there’s lying something that looks more like a dead body than like Haruka.

He’s so pale, black circles under his eyes and of course the large tube going through his skin. It looks painful, if not worse. The thick tube is held in place by two big straps around Haruka’s neck, which looks really uncomfortable.

I hear a loud slurping sound whenever Haruka’s chest rises.

I glance away and wait for Kumiko to put Haruka’s bed in place. As soon as that’s done, Haruka’s getting hooked up to the heart monitor and he’s getting medications – painkillers probably – and fluid administered through an infusion.

Haruka stares at Kumiko as she tucks him in with the bedding. He sticks up his thumb when Kumiko asks if everything’s at will.

I realize that he’s got to find another way to communicate until Kumiko will let him use the speaking valve. Before he can try to talk again, he must adjust to breathing through the trach tube first.

It must be hard for him, I believe.

Kumiko leaves the room after straitening some things in the room and moving the cables attached to Haruka’s bed out of the way. Haruka glances at me as soon as the door closes.

His eyes seem frightened and his mouth opens. A slurping noise sounds from the tube and Haruka grimaces.

“Everything good?” I decide to ask after a long think. I smile slightly, trying to comfort Haruka, since he looks so afraid.

Maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t asked anything, because as soon as I smile at him, Haruka turns his back to me.

I close my eyes, cursing at myself for doing something wrong again.

_No._ I shake my head.

I think back to myself after most surgeries. I’m always cranky and tired afterwards. It’s because of the drugs they feed you.

So eventually, what I tell myself, is: _He’s probably just tired…_


	9. Faint Voice

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

It’s been two days… two days since the nightmare for every teenager with the dream of becoming a pro-swimmer – getting a tracheostomy.

The days have passed by slowly. I still got no “get well soon” cards from my swim team, shows how friendly we were together. Neither did my parents pick up the phone, so they’re still not updated on my health.

The only ones that have been amusing me are Makoto, Makoto’s siblings and parents, and of course Kumiko as well.

Whenever Makoto’s family visited, they’d be caring towards me too. Ren and Ran brought some movies we could watch with all of us. And even though they weren’t really my kind of movies, it was better than laying in bed staring at the ceiling the entire time.

Other than that, Makoto’s parents brought me one of Makoto’s pajamas, because Makoto thought it would fit me better than the one-sized hospital suits they have here. He was right, but the pants were way too big. I wear them all day, anyway.

The rest of our time I would sleep, or Makoto would read to me. I didn’t expect Makoto to suggest he’d read to me, but eventually he did. He read a few pages from Hamlet out loud, before lunch yesterday.

Today’s the day I’ve been waiting for, because I finally get to try out the speaking valve. I might finally be able to thank Makoto for lending me his pajamas and telling him that he’s actually really bad at reading out loud and making a book sound interesting at the same time.

Kumiko sits in front of me, showing me the speaking valve as she slides it into the tube.

The air gets blocked immediately and I start coughing. A squeaking cough leaves my mouth and it’s the loudest I’ve heard my voice since getting the tracheotomy.

Both Kumiko and Makoto stare at me, pending.

I wheeze as I try to get the air to go through to my lungs, but it won’t go in as naturally as it used to do before putting the valve on.

“Is the breathing going well, Haruka?” Kumiko asks.

I notice I have to use quite some force to get the air through, but I nod, because I can in fact breathe. Everything’s better than not being able to talk, I have to make this work somehow.

“Okay,” Kumiko says, she sounds cheerful, but still a little tense. “Can you try to tell me your full name and age?”

I nod and open my mouth. I push and force the air to turn into words, but it’s harder than I thought.

“Take your time, Haruka,” Kumiko says and she lays her hand at my shoulder. “It takes some practice.”

I close my eyes and focus on my voice. “H-Ha-Haru--.” I’ve already ran out of breath, but I’ve got something like a sound out. And I’ve almost said my entire first name.

“Good job, Haru!” I hear Makoto cheering from the other bed. I look at him and frown. I’ve never heard him calling me by my nickname before.

He blushes when he sees me looking at him.

“T-Tha---nks, M-Mako--t-to,” I stammer, pushing out the words. My voice sounds faint and as lot hoarser than it normally sounds. But it works! The speaking valve is in fact working!

Kumiko smiles at me and says, “Well, I see you’re probably going to adjust to speaking really soon, won’t you?”

I nod. That’s what I’m planning on, because even though I don’t talk much in general, I do find it comfortable to be able to whenever I need.

“I’ll leave you two alone then,” Kumiko says. “It’ll probably be less awkward if I wouldn’t be standing here. You can talk in peace without me.”

We both nod. I try to thank Kumiko, but it takes a lot of force. I don’t know if she’s even heard me. Before she leaves she turns to me and says, “It’s going to take time, though. So give yourself time to adjust to it, Haruka.”

I nod, she’s right.

After saying that she leaves and Makoto and I are left with the two of us.


	10. Open Up

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

It’s been a long day.

Yesterday, Haruka had to try the speaking valve for the first time and I thought it went amazing. He still thinks his voice sounds weird, and of course it sounds different from before. I think it’s amazing he can even talk at all though.

Today, we both took the time to get Haruka used to the valve. He read a few pages from Hamlet to me, since I read to him a few days ago. I have to say, it sounded really funny to hear Haruka read out loud. His voice wasn’t only really hoarse and high-pitched from moment to moment, he also sounded incredibly monotone. Which made, the dialogue in particular, sound really funny, since everyone sounded either mad or sarcastic with Haruka’s voice.

By now, it’s already evening, but not late enough to sleep.

I wiggle my toes under the blanket while I think of something to do. I’ve been wanting to take a walk for days now, I don’t know why. Somehow the pain in my muscles has got much less bad since Haruka moved into my room.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I ask as soon as I’ve made up my mind, I want to walk through the evening sky.

Haruka looks at me and shrugs. “Why not?”

“In the courtyard of the hospital?” I ask. “I’ve heard they’ve planted Sakura trees there some years ago, they must’ve grown by now.”

Haruka stares at me and mumbles “You heard that, but you haven’t seen them yet?”

I roll my eyes. “Let’s just say, I haven’t been outside in quite a while.”

Haruka nods and opens his mouth. “Sure, let’s go see these trees in the courtyard.”

I slowly move out of my bed and put my ankle braces around my feet. After doing that I take the crutches. As soon as I turn around I see Haruka sitting on the edge of his bed as well.

I limp towards him and wait for him to get up as well.

We stroll through the hallways, through the doors, into the courtyard. It’s not cold outside, since it’s a spring evening. It is already dark outside though.

The sparkling stars are lighting up the courtyard, together with the shining moon.

“Wow,” I gasp and I open mouthed stare up at the Sakura trees, the moon and the stars.

I haven’t been in the courtyard in ages, and I didn’t recall it being this breathtaking beautifully. The beautiful blossom petals falling down from the tree with every little breeze.

I glance over at Haruka. He’s staring at the sky and the stars beautifully reflect in his perfectly blue eyes.

We walk over the path curving along the trees and eventually end up on one of the wooden benches. I look up at the sky as I put down my crutches.

As they lean against the bench, I decide to lean against Haruka.

I feel how his breath falters when I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. The fabric of the shirt he’s wearing against my cheek, it’s soft. And somehow the sound of air moving through his trach tube is strangely calming.

I breathe out slowly and try to follow the rhythm of Haruka’s chest moving up and down.

“Haruka?” I ask.

I don’t want to ruin the perfect moment, of stars, Sakura trees and my head leaning on Haruka’s soft shoulder. But I have to ask this, I have to know.

Haruka clears his throat, I hear can his breath falter. “Yes?”

“How did you end up in the hospital?”

Haruka stays silent for a while and I sit up right to look at him. His face has gone pale and there’s fear in his eyes.

“My lungs gave up on me, that’s all,” he answers after a while. But I can hear in his voice that he’s lying.

“But how, why, when?” I don’t want to, but to understand Haruka I’ll have to know how he got here, how his lungs suddenly got so miserable.

Haruka looks away, at something in the distance maybe. Who knows, maybe he’s staring back into his memories, having a flashback.

He opens his mouth, but doesn’t blink. “You really want to know, don’t you?”

I nod. “I’m sorry.”

He glances away, softly shaking his head as he closes his eyes. “It was a swimming event, a very big one.” His voice shakes while he tells me when it happened. “I never cared about winning a tournament, neither did I this time. But even though I didn’t, the whole team was depending on my swimming skills to take us through to the finals.”

He opens his eyes and glances at me.

“While I was swimming the last lap… I don’t know what went wrong, or why. But somehow my chest contracted and water ran into my mouth, down through my windpipe to my lungs. I remember not being able to continue swimming, and sinking down to the bottom.” He looks down at his lap and sighs, his trach tubes sputtering as he does so. “Someone must’ve dived in to get me out of the water, because the next thing I know I’m laying on the side of the pool. Someone I didn’t know was leaning over my, pressing up and down my chest while I coughed up water. I must’ve passed out afterwards, because I don’t remember arriving at the hospital or the hours following the event.”

I stare at Haruka as he looks up at the sky. A tear rolls over his cheek, but he wipes it away immediately.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper and I wrap my arms around Haruka.

He lets himself flop against my chest as he cries. “And now…” The trach tube slurps as Haruka’s voice breaks. “… now I won’t probably be able to swim again. With this stupid thing in my neck… I’m just useless, not who I used to be.”

I clench Haruka against me and cry with him.

“You’re not useless,” I tell him. “You’re perfect as you are.”

Haruka shakes his head and backs away to stare into my eyes. His face is stained red from crying and the trach tube makes a slurping sound every time Haruka breathes in.

“Look at me, Makoto!” he yells. His voice makes high-pitched noises as it makes the loudest sounds I’ve heard Haruka making yet. “Look at me and tell me that I don’t look like a useless, pathetic, dying mess!”

I feel a lump appearing in my throat. _Is this what he thinks about himself?_

I shake my head and feel that I’m crying just as much as Haruka.

“No, that’s not what I see,” I answer and I stare into his eyes. “What I see is someone beautiful, someone near perfect… Someone strong enough to be fighting for his life so he can do what he loves, again.”

Haruka stares at me open mouthed.

His cheeks turn red right before he wraps his arms around my neck. He hugs me and holds me while his hoarse, but perfect voice says, “Thank you, Makoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!  
> Here I have for you; My favorite scene to write :)
> 
> "The Courtyard scene"
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I sure enjoyed writing this! Finally getting somewhere with the MakoHaru ;)  
> Let me know in the comments what's your favorite chapter so far!
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	11. No Air

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

It’s a few hours after last night’s walk and I wake up, in the middle of the night, to a stinging pain in my chest. It feels like my ribs are piercing through my lungs.

The air feels dry. It moves down the tube, but feels like it stops halfway.

I force a cough.

When that doesn’t work I try leaning forward, using Kumiko technique for breathing. It doesn’t work. The warm pain only gets more painful as it moves from my chest through my entire body.

I start forcing coughs, wheezing in between every one of them.

My lungs are getting torn apart while my heart races up to an inhuman heartbeat. I want it to stop, but no matter what I do, the pain continues to linger in my chest.

I clench my arms around my chest.

A shriek escapes from my mouth and now I can’t stop screaming.

My throat hurts. The tube feels like it’s going to tear up the skin around it while I tear away the speaking valve and throw it onto the ground.

My voice falls away and I feel the dry air passing through it. But it’s not enough air.

Suddenly, I get really cold throughout my entire body. It feels like the warm blood has stopped running through my veins.

I close my mouth, focused breathing through the tracheotomy tube. But somehow the dry air forces me into another of those painful coughing fits.

High-pitched squeaks leave my mouth as I cough. My body feels numb as I fall from my bed onto the ground.

The last thing I hear is a loud thump, followed by someone yelling my name. Right after my vision goes black.


	12. No Pulse

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

“Haruka!” I shriek as I see Haruka falling from his bed.

He lies there on the floor, coughing up a white-yellow mucus. This doesn’t look good, I can tell that immediately.

Haruka’s skin is a grey-ish pale and his lips are slightly blue. Tears are running over his cheeks and he’s grasping for breath.

His blue eyes stare at my and go a little less bright as he stops coughing and his body stops shaking.

“Haruka?” I ask, not knowing what to do.

I want to jump out of bed, help Haruka myself, but I know that’s not the right thing to do. My mind’s a mess right now, while I’m crying my eyes out, but I do know what I should so.

I push the bright red “call” button and start screaming for help.

“Haruka’s passed out! Help!” Even if there’s not someone close to the computers, they’ll hear me in the hallway.

And I’m right, within a few seconds two nurses and an assistance run into the room with a first aid bag hanging from their shoulders.

I watch in fear as they lay Haruka on his back and check his pulse.

“He’s barely breathing!” one of the two night-nurses tells the others.

“No pulse!” the other yells.

The assistance takes a big resuctucation bag while one of the night-nurses starts giving Haruka CPR.

The tears blur my vision, but I don’t want to blink. I, somehow, want to see how they’re doing this. I want to see how Haruka’s getting saved.

But when there’s still no pulse after eight minutes of Haruka getting CPR from the nurses, I’m getting worried. I want to get out of bed, help them performing CPR. Get Haruka to wake up.

But I can’t do anything.

I sit there and wait. Two more minutes pass and the nurses are about to give up when Haruka suddenly coughs and rolls onto his side. He stares at me, fear in his eyes while his chest rises up and down in an irregular pace.

“He’s got a pulse!” one of the nurses yells. “Help me here, we have to get him to the ER. Now!”

They put him on a stretcher and carry Haruka away from me.

I feel tears welling up and streaming over my cheeks.

I need Haruka to be okay, I can’t let this happen to him. The feeling of Haruka being in pain doesn’t leave me for the rest of the night.

So for the night, I sit against the wall, hugging my pillow as tight as I can while praying Haruka will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lets just say those two chapters belong together ;)
> 
> \- Love, Noa


	13. Give Him Mine

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

****

I don’t get anymore sleep that night. The thought of Haruka in pain’s consuming my thoughts.

The moment the door opens, my eyes shoot at Kumiko.

“How’s Haruka?” I immediately ask, hoping they’ve already filled her in on all the details.

Kumiko takes a deep breath and sits down on the edge of my bed. Her hand rests on my shoulder.

"I'm glad to tell you he's alive," she says, but she doesn't even sound somewhat happy about telling me that. "But there's something else."

I stare at her, waiting for her to tell me what it is. It could be anything. CPR doesn't go well most times, so my brain has already been showing me the most painful imagery of Haruka throughout the rest of the night.

My brain has shown me Haruka in coma the tube going down his throat and his pale skin ever paler than normally. Or with severe brain damage in a persistent vegetative state, unable to talk or move, but able to see and hear everything. And much more awful things.

"What?" I ask after a long silence coming from Kumiko.

She opens her mouth and glances away. "Well, Haruka's slipped into a coma, I'm afraid." She pauses to take a deep breath. "We don't know when and if he will wake up... we don't know if his lungs, brain and heart are strong enough to get him to fully wake up."

I feel tears welling up, but I'm able to squeeze out "Why his heart?" before starting to sob.

Yes, of course, I didn’t expect Haruka to be just “fine”. But if his heart or brain is damaged, he might never live the life he used to live before all of this.

"That's what I'm worried about the most," she tells me. "This wasn't a normal case of oxygen loss... Haruka had sudden cardiac arrest."

I feel a loud sob escaping from my mouth. I fold my hands in front of my mouth and mumble "Has he incurred heart damage?"

I want Kumiko to shake her head, tell me it’s going to be okay.

But Kumiko nods sadly. "To the right side mostly. It's still beating, but really irregular and weakly. It's barely even pumping the blood."

I nod and close my eyes.

I'm sad, because if there's one thing I don't want, is it Haruka dying before me. I don’t want to see his ice cold and pale body lying in the coffin. I can’t be the one going to his funeral before he has even gone to mine.

He's gone from one hundred to zero within, like, two weeks. While I've been here for years now, slowly dying more and more with every day that passes. 

I should be the one dying first.

I close my eyes and sob against Kumiko’s chest, her hand slowly rubbing my back.

Haruka might be dying right now, and what can I do? Nothing…

I sniff. I want to yell, but only sobs come out.

There must be at least one thing to make him stay with me for a little longer, even if it’s just for a week, or maybe two. When I had problems everyone did everything for me too, but with Haruka it seems different.

“Is there anything we can do for him?” I ask in between the sobs.

Kumiko stops comforting me and tells me, “We could perform open heart surgery, but there’s a chance he might not survive that in the state’s he’s in right now.”

I shake my head. I can’t let him go through that, not if it might only damage his body more. I can already see his unconscious body lying on the table. The black circles under his eyes, now slowly turning blue because of the oxygen loss.

“Anything else?”

Kumiko thinks for a while. “Yes, there’s still a heart transplant. But it’ll be hard and nearly impossible to find someone to donate their heart.”

I squeeze my eyes close tight in an attempt to stop the tears from running.

She’s right, it wouldn’t be easy to find someone that would donate their heart. Because no heart means death, and I don’t know if a heart of a dead person will still work.

They need the heart of a living human, someone that would give up their own life for Haruka’s.

It wouldn’t be his parents, they don’t even know. Neither would it be someone of the swimming team or someone from his school or other family.

I stare into the black void my eyelids have created.

It’d have to be me.

Dying would be better than seeing Haruka’s body going underground. Or seeing him, laying in a bed with possible brain damage, failing lungs and a non-working heart.

I let another sob escape from my mouth. I can’t let that happen, so I got to do what I got to do.

I take a deep breath, back up and look at Kumiko.

"Give him mine," I mumble.

I feel a pain rising up from my chest while I say it. The imagery from Haruka lying and dying somewhere, a slow and painful death. It spooks me, a lot.

But the thought of Haruka laying somewhere, unable to move or say anything, unable to get away from the pain... it kills me.

"What did you say?" Kumiko asks, her voice is shaking.

I look in her eyes and cry, "Give my heart to Haruka!"

If only one of us can survive, it must be Haruka. I can’t watch him shrivel away slowly, while I don’t have a chance at living normally anyway.

I have to die.

Kumiko stares back at me, I can see both fear and anger in her dark brown eyes.

"How on earth can you say such thing?" Kumiko yells at me and her voice breaks. "You know really well that you can't give your heart away. You'll die, Makoto!"

"Whatever if I die! Who cares?" I yell, I can't keep my mouth shut. I have to let it all out. "I'm dying anyway, I won't make it to my twenties anyway. You said it yourself, remember?" I pause to breathe. "I wanted to get rid of the pain anyway. Let Haruka live, let me die... I don't care! I would be glad."

Kumiko stares at me and frowns. "Makoto, I can't." She takes a deep breath.

That’s a lie! She’s a nurse, she can get the doctors to give my heart to Haruka.

"Yes. Yes, you can!" I scream, tears running over my cheeks. "Just give my heart to Haruka."

"No!" Now Kumiko's mad, and I've never heard her being angry before. "Just shut up, Makoto. Stop... There are two reasons why I can't do that. One, your heart is by far not strong enough to give to Haruka and make him wake up. But secondly, and most importantly... I can't let you die." A tear drips down from Kumiko's cheek. "I just cannot do that for you, for myself, for your parents. Think of Ren and Ran, Makoto. And, also how must that be for Haruka, if he wakes up and we have to tell him that you died for him. He’d feel much more miserable as you do right now." She pauses to look at me. "So, just put those awful thoughts out of your head, please."

I cry, laying my head in my hands. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so mad, my heart doesn't work well enough to give to Haruka. It only beats, because of the pacemaker.

_Fuck. If Haruka dies it'll be because I'm too weak._

I start crying, sobbing, while leaning against Kumiko's chest.

"I'm sorry," I whisper in between the sobs.

Kumiko sighs. “I promise you, Makoto.” Her warm arms are wrapped around me. “I’ll do everything to keep Haruka living, that’s my job. But I can’t give up a living person instead of him.”

I nod. Somewhere in me I understand what she means, giving up a person's life for the other would be against everything nurses are taught to do.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

She hugs me tight and says, "I get it, Makoto. These kinds of situations make you think and say things you normally wouldn't."

I breathe in and out slowly, trying not to cry any more.

They've saved me many times before, they can save Haruka as well. I have to believe in them.

I open my eyes, moving away from the black void and bad imagery.

I have to believe in Kumiko and the other doctors and nurses. They can save Haruka, so neither of us has to die.


	14. Haruka

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

The night lasts long now Haruka's not here. The pain was killing me as soon as the lights went out.

My muscles were twisting and turning while my mind showed me Haruka's grey-ish pale face and blue lips over and over again.

Eventually I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up an hour later because of the pain in my legs, arms and chest.

Every part of me wants to see Haruka, sit down next to his bed and hold his hand. But Kumiko won't let me, she's afraid seeing Haruka like this will only hurt me more.

But I just want to go to Haruka. I want to see his chest moving up and down, see that he's still breathing.

I want to see myself that he's still alive.

I want to feel his hand in mine, his skin on mine.

I close my eyes while I think of a way to sneak to the coma patient's ward without Kumiko knowing. I know exactly where it is, but a wheelchair will be too big and eye-catching. And when I'm walking I won't be fast enough to slip past Kumiko.

I sigh. I can just sit here, keep myself from getting into trouble. Or I could at least try to get to Haruka, even if it would get Kumiko to get disappointed in me for not listening to her.

I have to go. I can't hold back anymore, I have to see Haruka. Hold Haruka.

I look down to my lap and whisper "ankle braces it is" to myself

I throw the blanket off of me, sit on the edge of my bed and put on the braces.

When I look up and turn around to Haruka's bed, a lump appears in my throat.

_What if that bed will be empty for forever?_ I shake away the thought. _no... I can't think like that. Haruka will survive._

I take a deep breath, swallow away the lump and get up. I hold myself up right with help of my crutches, but I immediately notice how heavy the weight of my body feels on my legs.

I don't remember taking the steps to the door being so hard. I really have to force myself to take another step every time.

I wonder if it's because I'm scared. Or because of the pain. Maybe it's my body telling me not to go, or showing me that I'm not strong enough for this.

I shake my head and take another step.

I am strong enough. I'm alive, and that's shows I'm strong enough to do this.

So I take another step to the door. I lay my hand on the doorknob and push it open.

I look into the hallway. There are a lot of nurses, but fortunately I can't see Kumiko. As long as the other nurses don't tell her what I'm doing and where I'm going, I'll be just fine.

I limp through the hallway as fast as I can. Lucky for me they keep the coma patients in the IC as well, because otherwise I'd have to walk a lot further.

I walk past the rooms until I find the door that leads to where Haruka's laying somewhere.

I check behind me, to see if no one's watching me. And then I push open the door.

I'll have to search for Haruka, since they keep all the coma patients in one big room. I stumble past the beds, glancing at every person.

It's terrifying, honestly. All of these people are not far from death. They're pale, asleep and there are large tubes going down their throats. Now I suddenly know what my parents felt like some years ago, when they had to walk past those beds daily.

I breathe slowly, limping past the beds until I stop.

There’s it. The bed with a boy I know, a boy with straight black messy hair and a pale, pale skin.

I stare at Haruka, let go of the crutches and fold my hands in front of my mouth. I have to force my mouth shut so I don’t sob.

I stumble to the side of his bed and lean against the wall so I don’t fall over. I stare at him and feel how tears run over my cheeks.

Haruka looks bad, worse than he ever did before.

There’s a thick tube going from a breathing machine to his tracheotomy tube. On the side of his bed, there’s hanging a catheter attached to a rubber tube going to Haruka’s bladder. And there’s a feeding tube entering his nose on the left side.

His skin is even greyer than it was before and his lips are clearly tinted purple and blue. His eyes are closed, but his mouth is sometimes moving, like he’s mumbling something inaudible.

I lean in and with a trembling hand, I take his hand in mine. Haruka’s hands are cold, and his fingertips are pale blue. 

I hold them in mine and whisper in between the sobs, “Hi, Haruka.” I hope can hear me, but somewhere I know he can. “If you were scared, you don’t have to anymore, I’m with you now.”

Of course, he doesn’t reply, like almost every coma patient. A tear drips from my cheek onto Haruka’s cheek.

“Well, I promised to be with you whenever you’re scared,” I tell Haruka. “And right now I think you’re probably afraid, I know the feeling.” I glance away. “But I promise you, everything will be fine. Kumiko’s looking for a way to get you awake and I promise to wish on a star for you, every night, okay?”

I stare at Haruka’s face, his closes eyelids are covering his bright blue eyes. I hope I’ll once be able to stare in those eyes again. I hope I’ll be there when they open.

But for now they stay tightly closed.


	15. Heart Surgery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, I have gone to the movies with a friend yesterday evening and totally forgot to post the new chapter... My fault... Here it is after all, sorry again for the longer wait, I'll try to keep up with posting but I'm also going into my exams really soon... I'll try, but I can't promise I get to posting every sunday and Thursday... Sorry...
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

It’s been three days now. Three days have passed without Haruka.

I’ve not been close to Haruka since I slipped out of my room. Kumiko found me with Haruka, but fortunately she wasn’t mad at me. She just hugged me, and shushed me until I wasn’t crying anymore.

“Was this how my parents felt?” I asked her when I got back to my room. Kumiko told me that when it was going bad with me my parents would sometimes cry of course, just like every good parent would.

I only now understand how much pain I must’ve caused my parents to have, and Ren and Ran. And four days ago I was ready to give up my own life.

Ever since that day, I’ve felt more pain. And I had to ask Kumiko for a bigger dose of painkillers in my formulas, because I couldn’t bare the pain.

Now Kumiko sits on the chair next to my bed telling me the newest news about Haruka.

He’s still not woken up and the doctors are afraid he might not wake up if they don’t do anything.

“Are you sure you want to hear the newest news, because...” Kumiko pauses and sighs. “… It’ll be a lot to hear all at once.”

I nod. Kumiko can’t keep me from hearing about Haruka’s health. “I want to hear every detail, Kumiko.”

I say this, even though I’m scared to death to hear the worst. Kumiko could say everything, I’ve heard nothing yet. She can tell me Haruka died, right here, right now. Or maybe the newest news is that the MRI-scans they’ve made showed brain damage.

I lightly shake my head, banning the thoughts from my head.

“Okay, then,” Kumiko says. “Let's start with the best news; we finally got contact with Haruka’s parents and they’re arriving here soon, so that’s nice.”

I look down at my lap. I’m glad that they were able to get contact with them, maybe their voices will give Haruka the will of living and the strength he needs to wake up.

“But there’s also less good news.” Kumiko takes a deep breath. “It’s going to be hard and there are a lot of complications that might show up afterwards, but Haruka’s parents are in agreement. So, we’re going to give Haruka a heart surgery to insert a LVAD to support and help his heart.”

“LVAD? What is that?” I ask, not understanding. All I know is that every kind of heart surgery can come with complications, sometimes even leading to a person’s death.

“It’s basically a mechanical pump which helps the heart pump the blood,” Kumiko explains to me. “Implanting the LVAD is really tough for both the surgeon and the patient, though…” She looks at me and her face saddens.

“What?” I ask, while I already know what she’s going to say.

“Look, Makoto, it’s a dangerous surgery,” she says and she lets her hand rest on my right shoulder. “There’s a change that Haruka might not survive it.” I close my eyes and breathe slowly. I won’t cry, not yet, he’s still alive. “So, I wanted to ask if you would like to say goodbye to Haruka, just for _if_ he doesn’t make it.”

I nod, of course I want that. I want to spend every moment possible with Haruka.

“Yes, I want that.”

Even though I don’t want to say “goodbye” to Haruka, and I’d rather not have him go through this surgery. I can’t change anything; his parents have given them permission to perform the surgery, so there’s no going back now.

Kumiko nods. “I’ll get your wheelchair and you can go see him immediately,” she says while she gets up and walks to the corner of the room, where my wheelchair stands, picking up dust.

“When are you going to perform the surgery?” I ask, trying not to show the pain this is causing me.

“In two hours,” she replies, while pushing the wheelchair to my bed. “You’ll have time to say goodbye, so do his parents who will arrive in about half an hour.”

I nod and thank Kumiko for bringing me to Haruka.

When we arrive in Haruka’s room, Kumiko wheels me to the side of Haruka’s bed and right after leaves Haruka and me alone.

I look at Haruka’s sleeping body and try to ignore the noise which is being made by the machines and heart monitor while I say, “It’s me again, Haruka.”

He can hear me, I know it, he can also feel it when I take his hand and rub my fingers over the back of it.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “So, I didn’t expect this to go like this, really,” I begin. “I thought it would be you saying goodbye to me, instead of the other way around. But here I am, talking to a sleeping person, hoping he can hear me.”

I feel tears dripping down from my eyes, but I don’t wipe them away.

“Yeah…” I breathe out. “So, just in case, goodbye, Haruka. You’re an amazing friend to have.” My voice breaks and I let out a loud sob. “I just wish you didn’t have to go through this all, I know how you feel and I’m still wishing I can see those blue eyes of you looking at me one more time. So, please, Haruka, if you’re able to… hold on just a little longer.”

I squeeze his hand as I let out another sob. A pain in my chest contracting as I cry.

“But if you can’t, this’ll be goodbye.”

I don’t want to think of having to see Haruka’s dead body, so I move away the thought. And for one moment I hope Haruka can’t hear me when I whisper, “I love you.”

I fold my hand in front of my mouth and sob.

_What have I said?_

I’ve known all this time Haruka can hear me and this is what I say to him, right before he might be facing death in a moment. He can’t even reply, he cannot push me away or pull me towards him.

I’m so stupid. He must be so frustrated that he can’t react to it, but he can hear me.

With that thought in my mind, I cry. Sobbing as I lean over Haruka’s body, hugging him without moving any of the tubes and treats.

I close my eyes and hug Haruka until the door opens and Haruka’s parents follow Kumiko into the room.

. . .

That night, I can’t even close my eyes. I sit upright in bed, staring at the door, or the wall, or the ceiling.

I yawn as I start to feel a little tired. But I know I can’t sleep.

I glance at the clock. It’s already past midnight, they must’ve finished Haruka’s surgery by now.

I don’t know if I should get out of bed, search for someone who might know how Haruka’s doing. Or if I should wait for someone to come and tell me.

There’s not much time for me to think about that, because the door opens slowly. Kumiko appears in the doorway and whispers, “Are you still awake?”

I nod. “Yes.” I barely dare to ask now that I have the change, but I have to. “How did the surgery go?”

Kumiko walks a little more into the room and smiles at me. “It went well,” she says with a relieved sigh.

I want to get out of bed, run to Haruka immediately. It went well, which means that Haruka’s alive at least.

Let out a cheerful sob as I start crying of happiness. “And how’s Haruka?”

Kumiko nods. “He’s sleeping now, but it might or might not surprise you, but he’s been awake for a few minutes about an hour after the surgery.”

_He’s been awake!?_

I smile, and cry, and sob. I’m so happy, I don’t even know what to think, or say.

Haruka woke up, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He’s clearly alive and awake. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my whole life.

“Thank you.” Another sob, while I’d rather be doing a happy dance and cheering instead of crying my eyes out, because someone lives.

Haruka lives!


	16. Heartbeat

**_Haruka Nanase_ **

I open my eyes, immediately closing them against the lights. There’s a stinging pain in my chest as I try to look around me.

_Where am I?_

White walls, so I’m still at the hospital, I decide. Of course I’m still at the hospital, I should’ve remembered it. I’ve been asleep for the past few days. A coma, I heard them say. That’s what the nurses told me yesterday. They explained everything from what happened and what they did to help me.

Apparently I now have something called LVAD to help my heart, because it failed.

They told me this when I was awake. At least I think I was awake.

I don’t remember too clearly.

I heard people talking to me while I was sleeping.

I remember Makoto talking to me about something, but what was it?

And my parents, I think I heard them, but what would they be doing here?

It’s hard to remember, because of two things. I probably was high on the drugs they put in me and I was only half able to hear them while I was asleep.

A door opens and a nurse walks in. It’s someone I don’t know, but she’s followed by my parents.

I open my mouth to say something, but no sound comes out.

_Of course, the tracheotomy tube._

I’m hooked up to a breathing machine through tracheotomy tube, making it impossible to talk. It’s uncomfortable, because I have so many questions.

The nurse smiles at me.

I look at her while I see my mother in the back, standing there with tears in her eyes. My father is trying to calm her by wrapping his arm around her. But he’s doing about the same amount of effort in calming her as he did in raising me.

“I see you’re awake, Haruka?” the nurse asks. I can barely hear her because of the machines.

I nod.

“Well, I’ll remove the tube for the breathing for you, so you can talk a little easier, okay?”

I nod again. I wonder if they told her that I can’t really talk when I don’t have the speaking valve, but she’s trying her best.

She removes the tube and I already feel a lot more comfortable. I force a smile to thank her.

“Can you talk like this?” she asks, I wonder if she’s new. She is also quite young.

I shake my head.

“Okay, wait.” She glances at the bedside table, where my speaking valve is laying on. “Here,” she says while sliding it onto the tracheotomy tube carefully.

I cough at first, it’s always weird breathing through the valve. But I’m just fine within a second. There’s more pain coming from my chest than from the tube.

“Thanks,” I say, my voice sounds even weaker than normally and I’m quite hoarse. But everything’s better than just laying somewhere unable to react to anything.

My mother bursts out in tears and walks towards me.

It shocks me how much older she’s gotten in the years I haven’t seen her. My father got himself some grey hair, while my mother worked herself to some more wrinkles.

“Oh, Haruka!” she sobs. “How are you, honey?”

I glance away, rolling my eyes at her. “I’ve been better, really,” I answer.

Of course I’ve been better, I just woke up from a heart surgery, leaving me with some kind of machine in my body. The thought of the treats and batteries hanging from my chest, it scares me.

We all go silent. They probably don’t know what to say. They haven’t seen their own son in years, and now they see me in a hospital a few inches away from death.

But honestly, it’s not them I’m worried about.

I turn to the nurse, who’s cleaning up some things around my bed.

“Say, miss,” I mumble. “When can I see Makoto?”

The nurse looks up and her eyes are large when she stares from me to my parents. “Well, ehm,” she stammers. “Don’t you want to catch up with your parents first?”

I sigh and glance at my parents.

It’s not like I’ve needed them. And whenever I did, they weren’t there for me. Makoto was there for me in the time I needed somebody to care for me the most.

“No, thank you,” I say.

My mother gasps, followed my crying and the shushing of my father.

The nurse looks at me and glances at my parents.

“But…” she stammers, but I interrupt her.

“I want to see Makoto, now please.”


	17. Let it all Out

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

It’s evening when the door suddenly opens and one of the nurses walks into my room, pushing a wheelchair forward.

Haruka’s sitting in the wheelchair, and he’s awake. I almost let out a happy shriek, but I can’t get myself to do that. Haruka looks bad, afraid, and sad. His skin’s still really pale and he’s sitting kind of caved in.

The nurse lifts Haruka in his bed, hooking him up to some machines. It reminds me of the first time Haruka got here, Kumiko did the same back then. But now Haruka looks even sadder, weaker and more afraid.

The nurse says some things to Haruka, which I can’t hear, and leaves the room afterwards.

I stare at Haruka and his face turns to me. There are two big black circles under his eyes and his face is stained and red, as if he has been crying.

His blue eyes are staring in mine.

I stare back at him and see how he suddenly breaks into tears and cries, “I’m sorry, Makoto.”

I gasp, shaking my head. “No, no! Don’t be sorry, Haruka.” I hear how my voice breaks and tears start to run over my cheeks as well.

“I’m sorry for scaring you like that,” Haruka whispers in between the sobs.

I shake my head and push myself out of bed. I crawl to Haruka’s bed. I need to get to him, I need to hug him and calm him down.

“It’s okay, Haruka,” I say while pulling myself up on his bed.

I sit on the edge pulling Haruka against me. He’s pressing his face against my chest, apologizing over and over again.

Of course, he scared me, but there was nothing he could so about it. I bet he’s much more afraid than I am. I know he’s okay now, he’s awake and well and for this small moment that’s all that matters.

So I sit there, holding him in my arms and rubbing my hands over his back until he’s okay again.

. . .

It lasts quite some time before Haruka stops sobbing. And by the time he’s calming down, it’s already dark outside.

I’m hugging Haruka tightly when he suddenly backs off to look at me. The large tears in his bright blue eyes twinkle in the starlight. His mouth slowly opens and he mumbles, “Makoto? There’s something I wanted to ask you for quite some time, but I didn’t know how, or when.”

I stare in Haruka’s eyes and tell him he can ask me anything.

“You said you went home for two years, right?” He pauses and I nod slowly. “How come you had to go back? Did something happen?”

I breathe in slowly and glance at my lap. My hands are shaking, just thinking back to that day scares me.

I nod. “Yes, something did happen indeed.” My voice is trembling, just like the rest of my body. I close my eyes, I have to tell him, he deserves to know. “Those two years were the best thing that happened to me. Going to school, playing outside, making some friends. It was different from being trapped inside of the hospital.” I pause to look at Haruka, he’s listening with his mouth wide opened. “But one day at school, I don’t know what happened, but I think it all became too much for my body to handle or maybe I just had a sudden relapse. But while I was walking to my classroom with some of my classmates, the air felt dry and tight. I suddenly felt really dizzy, followed by a burning pain throughout my entire body.”

I still remember the hallways turning around my when I fell to the ground, but everything after is some kind of haze.

“I must’ve hit my head when I fell to the ground, because the only thing I remember are voices of people. I don’t even remember who was with me at the moment.”

I can still clearly hear their voices yelling, shrieking, but I don’t remember who the voices belong to. Probably teachers, or some of my classmates.

“They took me outside, because I recall lying on the grass in the school’s yard, surrounded by stressed out teachers and horrified classmates. I’d caught my breath when the ambulance arrived, but I still was really nauseous.”

It was strange back then, seeing the ambulance nurses, who I didn’t know. I was so far from the hospital where I’d been going to for years. But they asked me so many questions, before taking me to their hospital.

“I remember explaining my disease to one of the ambulance nurses,” I continue explaining what happened. “And I told him what kind of pain I was feeling. After that they took me to the hospital for some scans, tests and of course they called over my parents.”

My mom was crying when they arrived, it broke my heart to see her like that. I was so scared, because I couldn’t move properly, I was in so much pain.

“That same day, they told me that I had to get surgery, because my spine was about to collapse. They wanted to do it right away, but since I was terrified, my parents insisted that I’d get the surgery at my usual hospital.”

I blink twice, a tear rolls down from my cheek. Because I remember arriving at this hospital, getting wheeled inside by my mom. I still can clearly see Kumiko’s face when we came past her in the hallways and had to explain what happened.

“That same evening they put me down for the spinal fusion surgery. And just like everyone else, I thought it’d all get better afterwards.”

I feel how a lump appears in my throat and my voice breaks. Haruka’s hand grabs mine and squeezes it while I continue talking. “But it didn’t. Even though the surgery went well, I wasn’t strong enough to wake up from the anesthetics and they had to put me on live support as I slipped into a coma.”

Haruka’s hand contracts and I tightly hold his hand as I remember being told this when I woke up after a long time.

“I woke up after, I believe, a week or two,” I say.

The most painful part about laying there was I could hear everything, everyone. I heard my mom crying daily and my dad saying calming words to her. I just laid there, I couldn’t do anything, except being the source of their pain.

I sob as I fold my hand in front of my mouth. Their voices haunted my dreams every night after.

“And when I woke up, it wasn’t much better,” I tell Haruka, who’s now crying again as well.

I remember waking up and seeing all of the “get well soon” cards pinned onto the wall. One card from my family and one card of each classmate and my teacher. All twenty-six hanging from the wall.

I thought, maybe one of my classmates would come to visit me once or twice. But nothing, I heard nothing about them anymore. I bet I scared them and they now thought I was just that pathetic weirdo.

I get it now, they probably also knew I wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon, I couldn’t do anything on my own. Even m heart didn’t work like it used to before. I wasn’t worth putting in any effort anymore.

“In the weeks after I had to undergo a few more surgeries, including inserting a pacemaker. I had to learn almost everything again. I was lucky that I could still talk, but walking, holding things and sitting upright on my own took a year to learn again. Upon that it took Ren and Ran at least a month before they dared to come by for a visit.” I pause, take a deep breath and stare into Haruka’s eyes. “I really scared my family… and myself. But I was alive, and that was all that mattered to me back then.”

Haruka’s silent as he stares at me.

He nods.

“I feel the same,” he mumbles after a while. “I scared my family, but I also scared you and I feel bad about that.”

I wrap my arms around Haruka and whisper, “Who wouldn’t feel bad about scaring someone, I did too back then.” I pause and hold Haruka even more tightly. “But all that matters is that you’re here, breathing, with a beating heart.”

Haruka hugs my back and I hear the slurping sound of the trach tube as he sobs.

“I’m alive,” Haruka says quietly. “You’re alive.”

I nod.

He backs up and we look into each other’s eyes. Haruka takes both of my hands and says, “And that’s all that matters now.”

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this was the last chapter of this MakoHaru hospital AU.  
> I really hope you liked it :)
> 
> Let me know what you thought of it, a writer can use their reader's feedback, right?
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this!!!!!!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,
> 
> I hope you like the story so far, not that I think you can know after just one chapter... let me know in the comments what you think!  
> Also give me some feedback if you feel like it. Feedback may be good or bad, if you like or dislike something in particular let me know. A writer always must keep improving their work, right?
> 
> There'll be a new chapter on thursday 28-11-2019. I'll try to post a new chapter every thursday and sunday.  
> The writing of the story is already done, so no worried about me not posting every chapter to the last. All 17 chapters will be there eventually :)
> 
> \- ImmediatelyWriting


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